I studied opera for five years seriously enough to believe I was training to be a professional. Eventually I got worn out. Singing became something that I had to do more than something that I wanted to do. A lot of this depressing transformation came from performance anxiety.
My last concert in high school I could barely get myself on stage. Not because I was too scared and I didn’t want to go, but because my entire body was shaking so badly I couldn’t climb the three stairs to the stage.
I performed a Joss Stone song yesterday at a talent show. I guess I figured now that I’m not singing for Opera, for my family, for anybody other than me, I thought I would be OK. I was better. I wasn’t even shaking, which is really a miracle. But my body was still too tight. My vocal chords took to just closing off randomly, at least four times during the song. That’s what most people call your voice cracking.
People always tell me “you sounded really good. Just nervous.” I don’t know, maybe they think that if I know that the only thing holding me back are my nerves I’ll have some breakthrough moment and magically sing freely. Like “you just have to relax” is the easiest thing in the world.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. It is absolutely the opposite of this. The thing I’m most worried about when I perform is getting stage fight – I know it’s a horribly circular situation. So when you tell me, we can see you get stage fright you are literally confirming my worst fear.
I think stage fright is heavily stigmatized. Like stage fright is some kind of weakness that I have. That if I could just execute mind over matter I would realize there’s no reason to be nervous. But that is not how it works, and I’m sick of people telling me I just need more practice performing on stage. Uh no – I’ve been performing for five years with little to no improvement, and occasionally severe relapses. So no, just because you get nervous on stage does not mean you know understand my stagefright. You don’t know what it’s like.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” – Nelson Mandela
Most people get nervous standing in front of people. I guess they think this is what stage fright is. It is not. I don’t get stage fright standing, dancing, speaking, or acting in front of people. Sometimes I’ll be a little nervous, so I know what you think stage fright is. Nervousness is not stage fright. Stage fright is a debilitating phobia.
Adele has bad stage fright. She gets severe anxiety and says, “I’ve thrown up a couple of times. Once in Brussels I projectile vomited on someone.” This is stage fright.
Barbra Streisand got stage fright once and “disappeared from the spotlight for almost three decades.” Stage fright is overwhelming.
Being the shiest girl in the room, not knowing what to do… Not really what I would qualify as stage fright. Not that I’m any kind of expert, but I’m done with people trivializing my literally debilitating fear as some kind of triviality that I just have to “get over”.
When people hear that I have stage fright, why can’t they be impressed instead of trying to fix it, despite not understanding? Impressed that despite my phobia I keep singing. Because that’s how much I love singing.
Does anybody else suffer from performance anxiety? Have you had any success reducing it? Please let me know!
*Photo by: Fred Seibert
**Famous singers with stage fright info from: about.com
Morning Milk 